I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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