Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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