i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
