Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize