You're a womanizer and a bitch.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
