we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
