elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
