it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
