I'm so fucking centered right now
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Can I color on your dick again?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
