I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
