why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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