Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
