I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You ruined the universe
Randomize