So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
