He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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