I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
