this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
