did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
