I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
