Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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