there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
