Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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