Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
