in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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