I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
