Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
