I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
