Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i think my cat just said my name.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
