just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
