I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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