I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
