I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
