I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
