you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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