What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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