Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
