Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
