she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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