Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
