I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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