apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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