My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
