I'm eating all of the evidence.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
