broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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