in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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