Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
