If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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