she looked like the bat from fern gully.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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