I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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