It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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