i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
