I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
