i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
