Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
