the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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