They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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